For many parents of young children, it comes as a shock when their child comes home asking questions about a classmate's homosexual parents. But today questions about "nontraditional" families are inevitable.

It is estimated that only 28 percent of U.S. households now have married parents raising their own biological children, according to the producers of That's a Family, a documentary film featuring children talking about different types of families. One million children or more have parents who will divorce this year, 1.4 million are being raised by grandparents, 500,000 are with foster parents, and 1 million have adoptive parents. Many of the 2.3 million interracial couples have children. Six to 10 million children have lesbian, gay, or bisexual parents.

Rather than stammer a quick reply or change the subject entirely, parents can address children's questions in an open, supportive manner, say gay and lesbian parents and experts on the issue. Their suggestions include:

Think about your own values beforehand. Don't allow your child's first curious questions to catch you off-guard, says Lynnette Sperber, whose husband, Larry, is president of the Los Angeles chapter of Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG). "Many parents worry that if they talk about gay people in front of their children, it's giving them permission to be gay," she adds. "But it's not a choice that people make. We are who we are."

Help your child get to know different kinds of families. For parents in the San Francisco Bay Area or areas with large populations of "out" gay and lesbians, it's fairly easy to introduce kids to different types of families, says Jon Logan, a gay father who founded Our Family, a Bay Area-based networking group of 325 gay and lesbian families. "Then it just becomes a normal fact of life.The earlier they're exposed, the more likely that later on it doesn't become an issue."

Use books and videos to introduce children to family diversity. In areas where gay parents might not be so open, parents and teachers can use books to "normalize" lesbian and gay families. Online booksellers make it easy to find books that might not be available at the mall.

In addition, organizations for lesbian and gay families maintain resource lists for parents (see box). Women's Educational Media, a San Francisco nonprofit, has created two films addressing family diversity. That's a Family, for school-age children, stars children talking about single-parent families, multiracial families, divorce, adoption, and gay and lesbian families. It's Elementary is for adults working with children and looking to address gay and lesbian issues.

Describe other families by talking about your own. Gregg Casein, a San Francisco gay father with an 11-year-old daughter, says, "If a child asks about a friend who has two dads, the parent can say, 'well, Gregg and David love each other the way Mommy and Daddy love each other.' Using their own family as an example helps because David, Breauna, and I do consider ourselves a family just like every other family."

Talk about love, not sex. Typically when a child asks about her friend's two dads, she's not thinking about the bedroom, says Adele Starr, the founder and first president P-FLAG in Los Angeles. "More often than not kids, especially young children, want a simple explanation."

Felicia Parks-Rogers is executive director of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, (COLAGE), which offers workshops, e-mail discussion groups, and family activities. "There's this misconception that homosexuality is all about sex," she says. "What it really boils down to is who we love. How we love them is more complex and young children usually aren't ready for that."

Explain that babies come to families in different ways. Children, though, are naturally curious about where babies come from. "Rather than talking about a man and a woman making a baby together, it's okay to say to young children that babies come in lots of different ways. Some parents can't make a baby together, so there are different ways for them to have a baby," Parks-Rogers adds.

Bring the words "gay" and "lesbian" out of the closet. It's very important, most gay and lesbian parents feel, to identify people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender using exactly those words. "These words just can't be used in a whisper because kids tend to take that out of context as a ?bad' word," says Casein. "It's amazing to us the number of people in Breauna's school who won't voice the word ?gay' for fear that it's an insult to us. But words that aren't said on a regular basis in the home, in a full voice, or aren't used at all, are seen as bad by children."

Encourage preschool and elementary school teachers to talk about different types of families. Mindy Spatt, a lesbian mother with a daughter in second grade in San Francisco, says it's especially important for straight parents to encourage teachers to talk about diversity. "No one seems to question that it's important for young children to see their own experiences reflected in school," she said, "but it seems okay to exclude gay and lesbian issues. Although I tell the teacher what I'd like to see, I think it would be great for teachers to hear the same thing from a straight parent: 'When you are doing lessons about families, I'd like my child to learn about different types of families.'"

Respond immediately when children use negative words about gays. Even as young as kindergarten, says Sperber, "Kids may not know what it means, but they're using words like 'fag' and 'faggot' out on the playground. If the teachers don't know how to deal with this, it can really become a problem," she said. "A teacher should be comfortable saying, 'those words are not okay to use,' then open up a discussion of hurtful words. But many teachers are uncomfortable because they're worried about straight parents being angry."

My parents are gay

Comments from kids

"Sometimes it's hard to tell people that my moms are lesbians because sometimes they don't understand."

"People at my school know my mom is gay and they know that my moms love me a lot and know we have fun with each other. There are lots of kids with gay parents but they don't want anyone to know because they think someone is going to make fun of them."

"My dads are gay and gay means when two men or two women love each other. It's sort of like having a mom and dad who love each other except it's a man and a man or a woman and a woman."

"It's really cool to have two gay dads because they brought us into a home and they adopted us and they love us."

"The only hard thing about having two moms is that sometimes kids use mean words for gays and lesbians and that hurts my feelings. I wish they knew it was OK to have two moms and it's OK to be different."

—Children appearing in the new video That's a Family (see below: resources)

Resources

Parents looking for books that reflect a variety of families can search general web sites, such as Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com.

Other sources of information:

• COLAGE, Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, which has chapters nationwide and internationally, can be reached at (415) 861-KIDS or www.colage.org
  
  
• P-FLAG, Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, can be reached at (202) 467-8180.

Some recommended children's books:

Heather Has Two Mommies, by Leslea Newman

Daddy's Roommate, by Michael Willhoite

Who's in a Family, by Robert Skutch

Do I Have a Daddy? A Story About a Single-Parent Child, by Jeanne Warren Lindsay

Resources for parents and teachers:

Hate Hurts: How Children Learn and Unlearn Prejudice, by Caryl Stern-LaRosa and Ellen Hofheimer Bettman, published by the Anti-Defamation League, looks at racism, anti-Semitism and homophobia.

Preventing Prejudice is an age-appropriate, gay-positive curriculum for grades K-5 by Teaching for Change, (800) 763-9131, www.teachingforchange.org

That's a Family and It's Elementary, videos by Women's Educational Media, (415) 641-4616

Extra resources from the Children’s Advocate bulletin 2006

• Making Room in the Circle: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Families in Early Childhood Education is a curriculum for early care and education providers. Topics for training activities include building relationships with all families, exploring commonalities and differences, homophobia and straight privilege, creating inclusive environments. $90. Parent Services Project, (415) 454-1870; online at http://www.parentservices.org/
  
  
• Opening Doors: Lesbian and Gay Parents and Schools, from Family Pride, discusses how lesbian and gay parents can help their children in school, how educators can help children in lesbian and gay families, and what these children need for a supportive learning environment. Online at http://www.familypride.org
  
  
• Feb 25: Breaking Barriers, Building Pathways: Broadening Our Perspectives of Diversity to Include Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Families and Their Children is a conference for early care and education providers, teachers, and parents. Workshop topics include political advocacy, working with transgender parents, and preschool curriculum. San Francisco. For more information, contact BANDTEC, Equoya Thomas, (510) 658-9197

To stay informed about new and upcoming Children’s Advocate articles, related resources, and advocacy opportunities, sign up for our Children’s Advocate bulletin