For many parents, talking about sex with preschool children begins with the question "where do babies come from?" For others, it begins around toilet training, when boys and girls may first begin to notice anatomical differences. "My older son announced one day, 'boys stand up to pee and girls sit down,'" says Karen Perry, a mother of two boys, aged two and three. "He was very proud of himself."

Parent Charles Haynes says his philosophy is, "if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to get an honest answer." Perry adds, "But until he gets to the point where he can articulate the question, I don't think he needs to know."

Use plain language when labeling body parts

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith of APPLE Family Center in Marin County encourages parents to teach kids to name their body parts "as openly as they use the words for their nose and their elbow."

"It really clouds little kids' later understanding when we attach our own pet words to those parts," says Glo Wellman, parent educator at the California Parenting Institute in Sonoma County. She prefers words like penis, vagina, vulva, uterus. "Womb is OK, too."

"We use the word genitals," says Haynes. "We also use privates, as in, that's a private part of your body that you don't have to show to anybody."

"I've felt it was very important from birth to use the correct words for body parts with Glen," says Catherine Schaffer, who has a two-year-old son. "When he shows interest in his penis, I tell him it's a penis." Perry says her son asked, "what are those?" when she was trying on a bra in a store dressing room. "I said, 'They're breasts.' He just said, 'oh.'"

Keep explanations simple

Wellman notes that sometime parents offer "way too much detail." Remember that preschoolers have short attention spans. She offered her own experience with her son as an example. "He asked me 'where did I come from?' and I launched into the whole explanation. He stopped me somewhere in the middle and said, 'no, no, where was I born?' He wanted to be reminded that he was born in Sacramento; that's all he needed to know!"

"Talk to their level of interest," DeWolf-Smith suggests. After providing a short, clear answer, "pause, take a breath, and see if that satisfies." Your children will ask for clarification if they need it, Wellman notes.

Remain calm

"We shouldn't be too dramatic in our presentation or our reactions," says Wellman. "Anxiety can make children hesitant to ask," adds DeWolf-Smith. "It's important not to spook or shame kids out of their natural curiosity of exploring their own bodies."

Karen Perry reports that her elder son, who is two, "has found his genitals. We ignored it. I didn't want to make a big issue of it."

Haynes addresses touching as primarily a hygiene issue. "Our rule is, wash your hands if you've been touching your genitals or anus."

Introduce the concept of privacy

"Creating a sense of privacy for parents is important," says DeWolf-Smith. "You should feel fine about having your own space and own time. It's important for kids to learn to respect that."

Haynes, on the other hand, likes to give his children "a little more privacy than we expect for ourselves." He says he's not shy about urinating in front of his son-"How else is a boy going to learn to do it?"-but knocks on the door when his children are in the bathroom. Whatever the specifics in your family, the idea that certain times, spaces, and areas of the body are private is useful for children at this age.

Wellman recommends teaching kids "your body is special and private." She also encourages parents and caregivers to teach about the importance of "honoring other people's spaces, including their bodies."

Set boundaries and redirect behavior

When Iris Green's three-year-old daughter was openly masturbating, "I explained to her that I know it feels good to touch herself there and it's OK for her to do that. But she must always wash her hands afterwards, and she must do that only in her own bed and without an audience. That seemed to make her happy."

Some parents discourage masturbation even in private. Alice M. says if her three-year-old daughter begins exploring her genitals, she'll "say something like, 'we don't do that, sweetie,' and calmly redirect the behavior."

Wherever you want to draw the line, "it's not helpful to just say no" when preschool-age kids engage in any sort of inappropriate behavior, sexual or otherwise," Wellman agrees. "Give them something else to do." Calmly point the child's interest toward a new game or activity, like playing with a puzzle or a favorite toy.

Let children learn from nature

DeWolf-Smith says, "I noticed in my own daughter's home, her children learned a lot from the birth of some kittens. The energy that it took the mom cat to take care of her babies was very instructive." She also suggests that visits to a farm or zoo and TV nature channels provide "teachable moments" about reproduction.

"'How do you know it's a boy animal or a girl animal?' is a good question and a good opportunity," she says.

Talk among adults

DeWolf-Smith encourages parents and caregivers to talk to each other, about these issues. "Role-playing between parents, in a mother's group, or even with a therapist, can be valuable," she says. "You can work through scenarios together beforehand." She suggests that parents figure out their family's rules together before talking to children.

Haynes' six-year-old daughter Jesse is "a little nudist. She likes to run around with no clothes on." He and his wife disagreed on how to address her behavior. "Janet thought it was rude; I wanted to tell her that it wasn't rude but that some people may be offended." So they talked it over and agreed to tell her that clothes should be worn out in public and in the front yard. "Inside the house, clothes are up to you."

Finally, Wellman encourages us to remember that "sexuality is about so much more than sex-it's about gender roles, relationships, everything."

"All of this is a judgment call within the family, "DeWolf-Smith notes. "But if we can teach our kids to feel their feelings first, think about their feelings and then act, we will have prepared them well. Sex is here to stay," she concludes, "but it's just one of the many pleasurable activities we have to participate in."