Q. What's the best way to talk to children about race in America?

A. Listen to what children are really asking. Children under five typically don't think about race, just differences in skin color, eyes, or hair, says Marguerite Wright, a psychologist and author of I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World. They may ask about those differences, or about words they've heard. Parents can explain that people from different parts of the world have different skin colors (You can tell school-age kids this depends on the amount of a chemical called melanin in their skin). Similarly, parents pass down the shape of their eyes or nose or hair texture to their children, so people who come from the same place tend to look more alike. But in California, we have people who come from all over the world!

Question stereotypes.

When racial stereotypes show up on television, movies, or music, talk to your children about what they've just seen or heard, to help them recognize and question stereotypes. Ask them if they've ever seen a person in real life act that way, or if they know people who don't fit that image.

Wright tells a story of a Latino boy, around eight years old, who was teased with insults about Latinos-he asked his parents why all Latinos are bad. That gave his father an opportunity to point out that the child knew many wonderful Latinos-his own family and friends.

Think about your subconscious racial messages.

"Children learn so much about the world from our responses to people who are different from ourselves," says Janet Gonzalez-Mena, author of Multicultural Issues in Child Care and a former pre-school teacher and director. The mother who clutches her purse tightly when an African American man enters the elevator sends a very strong message to her children. "It really is important for parents to think about their own attitudes, so that what they're saying to children is what's best for them to hear," she says.

Don't overemphasize color or race.

Wright tells parents and teachers to avoid referring to people by their skin color, race or ethnicity. "Sometimes we give that characteristic more prominence than it deserves," she says "It's part of who people are, but it's not primarily who we are."

Don't assume the worst.

Young children love to imitate words they hear from television or older people, without understanding their significance, says Beatriz Leyva-Cutler, director of Centro VIDA Children's Center in Berkeley. One year, at her preschool, one child told another that her skin was dark because she was "dirty." Immediately, teachers and parents became concerned, says Leyva-Cutler. But, after reflection, they realized that the little girl had simply heard the expression and didn't realize its connection to race. The school decided to have discussions with the children about not using hurtful words, being a good friend, and why people have different skin colors.

Don't shy away from teachable moments

"It's important for parents not to be afraid to seize that teachable moment to talk to children about race" after a television show or remark that raises questions, says Gonzalez-Mena. "It's like talking about sex, where parents feel if they don't talk about it, it might just go away," she adds. "We may all wish that society was color blind but it's not, so it's important for parents to feel comfortable talking to children."

Resources

• I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World, Marguerite Wright, Jossey-Bass, 2000.
  
  
• Multicultural Issues in Child Care, Janet Gonzalez-Mena, McGraw Hill, 1996.