"I hate having two mommies," the little girl told her friend.

"Why?" the friend asked.

"Because I hate it when the teacher says, 'Take this home to your mom and dad!'"

The lesbian mother who overheard this conversation reported it to Lee Lesser, family support specialist at Parent Services Project in San Rafael. This and similar experiences led Lesser and other early childhood educators to join with parents and community activists last year to launch the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) Early Childhood Education Initiative. The initiative aims to increase the number of San Francisco and Alameda county child care programs that welcome LGBT families.

The group held its first conference this fall and has helped start the first-ever college course for preschool teachers on this topic, at City College of San Francisco.

New visibility, old worries

LGBT-headed families with children are a growing, increasingly visible population, says Meredith Fenton, program director of Children of Gays and Lesbians Everywhere. Fenton says in the 1990s the U.S. experienced a "gayby boom" as lesbians and gay men learned more about "their options in creating families," such as adoption and donor insemination.

But when they start looking for a child care provider, some LGBT parents worry about how staff and parents will respond to their families.

When Cristy Chung was looking for an elementary school in San Francisco for her six-year-old daughter Olivia, she thought many schools seemed unfriendly to her lesbian-headed family. At one school she asked the principal whether he could ensure Olivia's safety as a child of lesbian parents. The response: "I don't know."

Effects on kids

"Most child care programs are kind of oblivious to the concerns (of lesbian or gay parents)," says Judy Kriege, technical assistant at BANANAS, a Bay Area child care resource and referral organization.

But that creates problems for their kids, says Lesser: "(When) teachers talk about the world and you're excluded, it gives the message that there's something wrong with your family,"

Some children run into more obvious rejection. When Jennifer Drury moved to Santa Barbara from Sacramento, her daughter was happy playing with a neighbor the same age-until the child's mother found out that Drury had a lesbian partner, and "the communication stopped." Drury fears that her daughter could also run into discrimination in child care and at school.

"A child blossoms when they are affirmed as an individual," says Rocky Morrison, executive director of Our Family Coalition, a civil rights organization for LGBT families, and that "extends to affirming the family."

Warm welcome

Some preschools have spearheaded the movement to create an LGBT-friendly environment.

Meredith Steiner, a lesbian mother, says she was close to tears at a prospective parents' meeting at Glen Ridge Cooperative Nursery School in San Francisco. "I was really moved," she says, when a staff member emphasized that the program welcomes all types of families and said she herself was a lesbian.

Glen Ridge features books representing LGBT families and steers clear of exclusive holidays like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day. Parents, both straight and gay, work with the children in the classrooms. "Because we have several gay and lesbian parents in the school, (no child) ever says, 'He can't have two moms,'" says Director Mame Campbell Salin.

In San Francisco's Pacific Primary School, one-fifth of the parents are lesbian or gay, and tours and brochures make a point of welcoming "gay and lesbian families." Children are encouraged to talk about their families, and family photos are displayed on classroom walls.

"We don't make children feel that there's something unusual about their family structure," says Director Belann Giarretto. So family diversity becomes a "natural part of the play"-kids playing house might create a family with two mommies or other nontraditional patterns.

Important everywhere

Creating LGBT-friendly early childhood programs may be more difficult outside gay-friendly San Francisco. Central Valley Head Start child care coordinator Amy Mauro says many people in rural communities "don't believe (lesbian and gay parents) really exist in their area." Some child care providers, says Giarretto, may shy away from raising the issue for fear of offending other parents-or gay parents themselves.

But even if a child care program has no openly LGBT families, Mauro says, it's important to talk about all types of families: "Just because there's no (openly) gay parents in their center doesn't mean they're not going to meet children with gay parents later on, or become gay themselves."

And "what we do in early childhood affects a child's elementary school experience," says Pacific Primary teacher Brian Silveira. He recalls learning in the schoolyard that "it wasn't OK to be a 'faggot.'" That lesson became painful later on, "when I came to the realization that I was gay."

Early childhood programs, Silveira says, can build more positive attitudes because "we get (children) before they've experienced a lot of homophobia."

Welcoming all families in early childhood programs

• Evaluate your curriculum. Do some books show LGBT families? Do posters or photos reflect family diversity?
• Welcome input from LGBT families. If no families in your program are openly gay, contact LGBT organizations (see "Resources").
• Explicitly welcome gay and lesbian families in your publications and tours.
• Make sure children feel comfortable sharing about their families. Respond naturally to artwork or play portraying LGBT families.
• Be aware of language. Don't assume all children have a "mommy" and "daddy." Use terms like "parent" or "family"-in the classroom and in any materials or forms for families.
• Be proactive about stepping in to respond to teasing or blatant bias.
• Be aware that certain holidays like Mothers' Day or Fathers' Day may leave out children with alternative families.
• Try to get all families involved in the life of your program.
• Make sure your anti-discrimination policy includes sexual orientation and gender identity and applies to staff as well as families.

Sources: Rocky Morrison, Our Family Coalition; Lauren Wyeth, Families of Pride; Judy Kriege, BANANAS; Pacific Primary

Resources

• LBGT Early Childhood Education Initiative, Louise Rush, Project Coordinator, Our Family Coalition, 415-981-1960, or e-mail ECE@ourfamily.org
  
  
• Pacific Pride Foundation, 805-963-3636
  
  
• Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, 415-861-KIDS (5437), www.colage.org