Is it my turn yet?” asked Adam (children’s names are changed), who wanted to play on the computer. The new boy just smiled, so Adam grabbed the mouse out of Johnny’s hand. Kidango teacher Maria Paquiz stepped in. “Did you ask Johnny?” she asked. “Why do you think he has that look on his face?” Adam looked: “He looks sad.”

“Maybe if you tell Johnny you want a turn in Spanish, he might understand,” Paquiz suggested. When Adam asked in Spanish, Johnny smiled: “Si, si!”

Everyday problem behaviors, like grabbing, hitting, and refusing to cooperate, provide “teachable moments,” for talking with kids about acceptable behavior, says Kathryn Ingrum, director of the Grossmont College Child Development Center. “If the behavior is harmful, for example, hitting, you first have to stop the behavior so children are safe,” says Jocelyn Tucker, an L.A.-area early childhood consultant. “Then once it de-escalates, talk about why it wasn’t OK.”

The ability to manage feelings and relate to others “is the most important thing we teach,” says Ellen Richter, director of the Louden Nelson Community Center in Santa Cruz.

Look for the reason

When children misbehave, “we try to find out what happened,” says Amy Jones, a center director at Kidango, a Bay Area child care program. “There’s a reason. Rather than marching over and saying ‘Stop that!’”

With younger children, Jones will often “shadow a child and find out (for example) what’s making the child bite.” Did someone grab her ball? With older children, who are more verbal, Jones asks questions—and listens. “We acknowledge that the child is frustrated and upset,” and teach other responses, such as saying “No!”

Get down, get close

When she saw Brandon snatching toys from his friends, Gail Gomes, an assistant teacher at His Growing Grove preschool in Castro Valley, would reprimand him from across the room. He ignored her. Then Gomes’ mentor teacher suggested that she “go over and get down on his eye level. I was to speak to him in a calm tone of voice so that he knew I was speaking to him. She said to be patient and let him say what happened.” After a few months, Gomes says, Brandon was reliably cooperating.

“Time out” or not

If teachers use “time out,” advises Tucker, it should not be a punishment, but a way for children—and teachers—to “sit down and take a few deep breaths.”

The problem with punishment, says Richter, is that “I don’t think the child is learning and may get resentful.”

Instead, when problems arise, Jones says, “We ‘redirect’ and talk about feelings.”

Redirect/offer alternatives

Kidango emphasizes “redirection”—responding to problem behavior by finding a positive alternative. Recently, at the water table, a girl was splashing water in another girl’s face. The child protested, “Stop, I don’t like that!” Paquiz said, “Let’s keep the water on the table.” Then it happened again. So Paquiz redirected the splasher, saying, “I think it’s time to play with the shaving cream now.” She stopped the behavior but provided a substitute activity.

Tucker suggests redirecting by asking for help: “Can you help me prepare the snack?”

If one child hurts another, Richter says, she may have the child who hit or scratched help take care of the one who was hurt—getting ice for a bump, for example. It gives the child a way to make amends. Then when both children are calm, she talks with them about what happened. Usually, says Richter, “the child who scratched is very sorry and the children end up hugging.”

Sympathize and support

Last year, one Bay Area family child care provider was struggling with a little boy who cried and threw things when he was frustrated. After talking with her mentor, Minerva Perez, the provider responded to the child’s next explosion by asking, “What are you feeling?”

“Sad, because the Lego doesn’t fit,” the little boy said. “Let’s see if we can find a way,” said the provider. “I’ll help.” The teacher reported to Perez, “He needed that support. In no time he was OK.”

Remove and soothe

What do you do with children who “lose it” to the point where they can’t talk? Ingrum describes “a little girl who has tantrums. She falls down, kicks chairs, and reaches for people’s legs.”

After discussion, the staff decided that when the girl had a tantrum, one of the teachers would take her out and sit with her until she calms down, then talk later about better ways to handle frustration. Ingrum saw this approach work last year, when “a girl with many of the same behaviors” eventually stopped having tantrums.

Approach parents respectfully

Donna Rafanello, of Long Beach City College, remembers working with William, who “screamed and ran around.” He couldn’t relate to people—ran away if they approached. It was almost impossible to understand what he said. When Rafanello discussed William’s behavior with his mother, “she became defensive and said I couldn’t understand what she was going through.”

Then suddenly the staff learned that William’s mother had given birth to a premature baby girl: “We hadn’t even known she was pregnant!” When the baby was six weeks old and enrolled in an infant program, William’s mother agreed to allow him to have a hearing test, which showed that he had major hearing loss.

Rafanello’s conclusion: “We must not judge the families we work with. We really didn’t know what she was going through! It was my role to assist the parents in seeking help for their children. But it was their right to be in control of the process.”

Ask for help

“We have had children who are beyond the teacher’s control,” says Richter. She recalls one four-year-old boy who pushed and hurt other children. He did not know how to play with others and “his words were peppered with curses and references to violence.”

For several months Richter and the staff tried different approaches, with no success. Finally the parents and staff agreed to have the child assessed by the Santa Cruz school district’s special education department. He was eventually placed in a special day class.

Resources

• Positive Child Guidance, by Darla Ferris-Miller, Thomson Delmar Learning, 2006
• Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations of Early Learning, 615-322-8150, www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel, many free, in-depth materials, some in Spanish
• Educational Productions, 800-950-4949, www.edpro.com, videos for sale, some in Spanish
• Positive Discipline Association, 866-767-3472, 
  articles and workshops, some in Spanish