When Sam started preschool as a toddler, he was “really rough with other kids,” recalls his mom, Kimberly Rosenblum. Embarrassed and confused by his behavior, she would drive home from San Francisco’s Sunset Cooperative Preschool telling him over and over why what he was doing was wrong. She tried all sorts of strategies but nothing was working. The preschool had to keep an adult with him so he wouldn’t hurt other children.

Then Rosenblum went through a Hand in Hand parent training that helps parents handle challenging behavior—and strengthen their bond with their children—by reflecting on their own childhoods.

“I learned when I get short-tempered”

During the training, “I saw that everything I had tried was just building up bad feelings,” says Rosenblum. “(But) when I love him the best I can and treat him respectfully, I get back the same.” Within a few weeks, Sam’s behavior began to change.

“I learned when I get short-tempered,” she says. “It really bugs me (when my kids are needy). I find myself thinking, ‘You need to pull yourself up by your boot straps, because I had to do that.’” Talking about this with other parents helps her be more supportive to her children, she adds.

“If there’s not really a tiger coming out of a cage,” says therapist Lauren Culp, “but we’re having a huge reaction, it’s (our own) personal experience that’s bothering us. It might not have anything to do with the child in front of us.”

“When a parent says, ‘My dad hit me and I don’t want to hit my kids,’” adds Culp, “there will be challenges where that person will be tempted to hit their child.” But parents can develop strategies to avoid overreacting, such as taking time to calm down or wearing a stretchy bracelet that gives them a place to put their hands, she says.

Remember being a child

“We teach parents to reflect on their childhood (so they can) make better decisions with their children,” says Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand. “We’re trying to help people engage with those hurt places (from childhood) that get in the way of them supporting their child.” She suggests that parents ask reflective questions to help them remember being a child (see below: Questions for reflection from Hand in Hand).

Many clients at the Chinatown Child Development Center were raised with corporal punishment, says program director Nancy Lim-Yee, and struggle with parenting their own children differently. As a result, some parents of young children have a lot of difficulty setting limits, she says. “We respect where parents come from, and start there. We explore how our experiences (as a child) contribute to our parenting.”

“I try to step back”

“My son is prone to depression and anxiety,” says Mitzi Liotta, a Santa Monica mother of two. After a rough day, he told her “he wished he were dead. I struggled not to get in there and fix it—my dad was a real fixer—but instead I allowed him to talk, cry, get the frustration out. I allow my children to express their feelings, (because as a child) I was so desperate for someone to talk about feelings.”

“I struggle with not getting riled up when it’s taking a long time to go out the door in the morning,” she says. “I can feel the tension rising. I try to step back, breathe, and ask myself, ‘Is this really important?’ The answer is always ‘No.’”

“Focus on doing my best”

Dawn Nakano, a San Francisco mother of three, says the Hand in Hand training helped her realize that sometimes her children’s behavior “gets me upset in a way that’s way overblown. These things have to do with how I was raised.” She struggles to keep her house tidy because it was disorganized when she was growing up, she says, and noticed that she overreacted when her kids were messy.

“I recognize now when I’m going to the place of ‘How could you be doing this to me?!’—they’re not really.” She deals with her strong feelings by “focusing on doing my best, to do right by my kids,” she adds.

“I don’t get that immediate stress anymore”

When Teresa Kelleher Zepeda’s daughter Sofia was one, she was throwing huge tantrums. “I was desperate” and overwhelmed, she recalls. Hand in Hand’s parenting class on tantrums “helped me understand my daughter wasn’t having tantrums because she was a bad kid, but because she had a lot of emotions to deal with,” she says.

“In my household, children do as they’re told,” says Zepeda. “Suddenly there was this person not following the rules and it was driving me crazy.” When Sofia threw food out of her high chair, “I got so stressed. My husband would say, ‘What’s the big deal?’ I just wanted to scream at her,” she recalls.

Zepeda remembered that in her own childhood: “If we spilled something (and) my dad was in a bad mood we’d be likely to get yelled at or slapped.” Making this connection helped her stay calm with her daughter. “I don’t get that immediate stress anymore. I can remember what she’s doing is normal.”

“Gives you space to act differently”

Wipfler recommends finding a parent support group where you can talk about your childhood experiences. “It lets you feel more human and gives you some space to act differently,” says Wipfler. “It lets parents remember their children are good and everyone gets to make mistakes.”

Questions for reflection from Hand in Hand

• What was great about your childhood? What was difficult?
• What’s one thing that your family did with you that you want to pass on? One thing to change?
• Who were you happy to be with? How did that person make you feel safe and welcome?
• What happened when you or your siblings cried? Had a tantrum? How did you feel about your family’s response?
• What do you remember about being the age your children are now?

Resources

• Hand in Hand, 650-322-5323, www.handinhandparenting.org
• Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
• Your Childhood Experiences, from the American Academy of Pediatrics, www.aap.org/publiced/
  BK5_Parenting_Experiences.htm

Extra resources from the Children’s Advocate bulletin

• Who You Are as a Parent, a Childhood Matters radio show from September 22, 2007, discusses how parents can develop awareness about their own childhood experiences as a way to become more connected with their children.

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