It was a typical day at the Chabot College Children’s Center in Hayward. Teacher Sheela Nicholson was watching “Danny” and “Victor” roll balls down a ramp they had built in the block area. Then Nicholson saw Danny’s face cloud over—Victor seemed to be taking extra turns. “What would Danny do?” she wondered.

He complained! Victor listened and suggested: “I’ll take two turns and then you take two turns.” Danny agreed, and the boys happily resumed their game.

Nicholson was pleased. A few months ago, Danny might have shouted or grabbed the balls. Victor might have ignored his friend. But by now they had learned some important skills.

“If there was a recipe for life success, wouldn’t you want to know what it was?” says Jeanie Harmon, an instructor at Santa Rosa Junior College. “It turns out that the recipe for success in every culture is the development of social skills.” Recent studies, for example, have shown that children with good social skills generally do better in elementary school. “And one of the best ways to develop social skills,” Harmon adds, “is through play.”

When children like Danny and Victor have time for unstructured play together, they have the chance to develop very complex life skills. By playing together, Harmon, says, children learn to “identify and express their own emotions, understand the needs and emotions of somebody else, negotiate, engage in problem solving, and share ideas.”

How can teachers help children develop social skills through play?

Create areas for small-group play

“For a teacher to help children learn social skills, you have to set up an environment where they can practice those skills and be successful,” says Nicholson. Her center’s activity areas (house corner, block area, puzzles, art, science, etc.) accommodate four to six children.

“Small groups are key,” she says. For example, “a three-year-old can hold it together if they have to wait a minute or two for their turn,” but may not be able to wait for 20 children to go first.

Kory Higgins, the director at Rainbow River in Hawthorne, recommends that teachers “set up small-group areas that encourage sharing and conversation.” At Rainbow River, for example, the popular natural science center includes a millipede, koi fish, a hamster, and a turtle. Says Higgins, “Kids get excited about their observations and tell each other, ‘Look, he’s moving—he’s opening up!’ In the Play-Doh and block areas, children talk to each other about what they are making.”

Encourage cooperative problem-solving

At the Grossmont Child Development Center in El Cajon, Jacob’s ball rolled into a hole and got stuck, so he ran to tell teacher Lesley Waltman. “I wonder how we can get that ball out?” she mused aloud. Jacob suggested poking it out with a stick, but that didn’t work. Then Waltman said, “I remember Colton’s ball got stuck yesterday. Let’s ask him how he got it out.”

“In the classroom,” Waltman says, “the teacher steps back” so that children “can learn to call on their friends to figure things out.”

Help children name feelings

When two-year-old “Nathan” came to the Grossmont center, he had been identified as “on the autistic spectrum,” with very low social and language skills, says teacher Maura Mehrian. Nathan immediately got into conflicts with other children. For example, he didn’t know how to enter a group, so one day, when he wanted a shopping cart that other kids were using, he “just came in and grabbed it and ran the other kids over.”

But, Mehrian says, “a teacher’s job is to give them the tools and words” to navigate relationships. She started by helping Nathan name his own feelings: “Oh, I see you really want that toy.”

Mehrian and Waltman also help children “read” others kids’ facial expressions and body language. When a conflict erupts during play, Waltman will comment, “I see you’re stamping your feet. You’re mad. I see you’re frustrated—your cheeks are red and your hands are clenched.”

Foster empathy

Higgins says conflicts over toys provide an opportunity to encourage empathy. One day, four-year old Alissa wanted the huge ball Tony was playing with, so “she just took it!” Higgins asked Tony, in front of Alissa so she could hear, “How did that make you feel?” Then he asked Alissa, “What if I took something from you?” Alissa thought and responded, “It makes me angry.”

Waltman also helps children focus on others’ feelings: “When you yelled at your friend, it really hurt his heart.” When a two-year-old in her class gleefully squashes a bug, she may say, “Oh no! I wonder if he has a mommy!” to get the child to see things from the bug’s point of view.

Teach kids to communicate directly

When Waltman hears, “Teacher! He took my toy!” the first thing she does is take a deep breath. When she’s calm, she can use this opportunity to give the children “tools on how to get what you need in the real world, in a way that’s kind.”

One day a ruckus erupted at the Play-Doh table when one child snatched a tool from another. Waltman said to the child who had snatched the tool, “Look at your friend.” The other child held out his hand, saying, “I need it back.” Over time, says Waltman, children learn to ask for their toys back on their own. But the teachers still monitor what’s going on, so “if we see a hot spot we can be there to stop hands flying.”

Building skills

Through repeated play experiences plus coaching by a skilled teacher, children’s social skills grow. Before Nathan’s language skills developed, Mehrian taught him sign language and simple sounds like “beep, beep.” She would coach, “Nathan, beep, beep! Go around your friend.” It took a lot of consistency and repetition—as well as extra speech therapy—to help Nathan learn to navigate socially. But a recent assessment found that his skills have improved so much that he is no longer considered to be on the autistic spectrum.

To learn more

• The Serious Need for Play, article by Melinda Wenner in Scientific American, www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-serious-need-for-play
  
  
• Play and its Role in the Social Development of Young Children, paper by Jianhua Feng, ERIC Docs, http://eric.ed.gov/ERICDocs/data/ericdocs2sql/
  content_storage_01/0000019b/80/20/80/43.pdf
  
  
• Pathways to Play: Developing Play Skills in Young Children, Sandra Heidemann, Deborah Hewitt, Redleaf Press, 2002
  
  
• The Way I Feel, children’s book by Janan Cain, Parenting Press, 2004