When teachers and providers have concerns about the children in their care, it can be challenging to talk with parents. But establishing supportive relationships with parents and families helps resolve problems and makes difficult conversations easier.

“When parents feel accepted and safe, they will be able to share their concerns with us and they will be able to hear our concerns for their child,” says Laurie Prusso, a child development teacher who now works with the Stanislaus Children and Families Commission. “A teacher’s worst nightmare is needing to talk with parents about a problem before [the teacher has] established a relationship with those parents. If we do not have trusting relationships with them, they will feel attacked.”

Early childhood educators share how they help forge a solid line of communication between parents and teachers.

Regular communication builds trust

Jennifer Ryan remembers being concerned that Alicia, a toddler in her program, might have a developmental disorder. Alicia’s parents “were in complete denial,” she says—“but they trusted us [because] we checked in with them every day about how their child was doing. They knew we had the child’s best interests at heart.”

During the daily check-ins with Alicia’s parents, “I would often have some great story [about] an activity that she really enjoyed, an interaction she had,” says Ryan, now a Child Development Program Trainer with North County Community Services in San Diego. Ryan also told the parents how, after the teachers traced the children’s bodies in chalk on the wall, Alicia formed her body into each chalk outline—and that the repetitive behavior and intricate task can be a sign of autism.

Teachers met with the parents several times over two years. Finally, a teacher suggested, “Why don’t you just have her evaluated [for special needs]? If there’s nothing there, we know for sure. But if [she has special needs], we will know what we can do in the classroom to help support her better,” recalls Ryan.

The parents had Alicia evaluated—she was diagnosed on the autism spectrum and also with a development disorder. The school district helped the family set up an Individual Education Plan. “Now we can all help support her together,” says Ryan.

Caring relationship helps end abusive situation

When Director Pauahi McGinn suspected that Nick, a child in her program at the San Bruno Parks School District, was being abused at home, she talked with his mother. The conversation “was really tough…because people are not going to like you for what you do or say,” she says. She remembers forcing herself to hold her head up high and remain strong for Nick. “Because we had a good relationship with the mother and the extended family, we were able to address the issue in a caring manner and get the child in a safe environment.”

After McGinn spotted suspicious bruises on Nick, she reported the incident to the authorities and told Nick’s mom that she suspected the bruises were from physical abuse. Then Nick came in with an injury that looked like he’d been punched in the head. McGinn reported the incident and had a much longer conversation with his mom, who admitted Nick’s father had been abusing him.

McGinn connected Nick’s mom with resources, including counselors for Nick and his mother and help for the father. McGinn sat through the initial counseling sessions and helped them focus on safe housing for Nick that his mom could rely on—Nick went to live with relatives until the father got help and the parents separated.

Teamwork resolves hitting problem

“We had a situation where a child was prone to outbursts that included hitting other children,” recalls Karen Pratt, a preschool teacher at Trinity Presbyterian Nursery School in San Carlos. Martin would run up, hit another child, and then run away. Other parents were frustrated, some wanted Martin to leave the program. Pratt had a good relationship with Martin’s mom, who also volunteered at the program—this “made dealing with this situation a lot easier,” she says.

Pratt talked with the mom about Martin’s behavior, saying “we needed to work together to help him learn a better way to communicate with his friends.” At first the mom laughed it off as a “little-kid thing.” But Pratt told her other parents were concerned and that they wanted to keep the other kids safe—and reassured the mom that “we were here to help her,” she says.

“It was difficult to talk with the mother because we had to make sure she understood the severity of the [hitting],” says Pratt, “[but also] that we loved her child and wanted to help make him happier.”

Pratt, the mom, and the program director met several times about strategies that could be used at school and at home. They worked with Martin on identifying his feelings and using words rather than hands. Soon he stopped hitting.

Tools for building relationships with parents

Talk with parents daily: “[A supportive] relationship has to start from day one,” says Ryan. Check in with parents every day. Then, when you need to talk with parents about a problem, “you can say, ‘This is what we’ve talked about in the past week. This is what we’ve noticed and this is how we are dealing with it,’” she adds.

Share children’s strengths: “Always focus on sharing children’s strengths with parents—progress, new abilities, positive aspects of the child’s experience,” says Prusso.

“It’s important that parents know you truly enjoy having their child,” adds Ryan. “If [parents] only hear the negative, they begin to shut down” and think the teacher is picking on the child.

Ask what’s happening at home: Knowing what happens at home gives teachers a fuller picture of children’s behavior, says Ruth Pinkus-Resnik with Family Connections in San Francisco. This could include learning about sleeping habits or a new baby. “When bringing up issues that could be controversial, address it with an open mind, always being aware of cultural differences,” she adds.

Create a comfortable environment: “Have [parent conferences] in a comfortable environment,” says Ryan. “[Parents] are already uncomfortable—they know this will be hard and bad news.” When parents speak languages other than English, offer a translator, she adds.

Avoid labeling: “Keep labeling minimal by sticking to the behaviors,” says Ryan. Tell parents what triggers the child’s behavior in the classroom. Work with parents to create a plan at school and at home. “It’s all about supporting the child, and telling the parent, ‘I would like to help you and here’s what I would like to do,’” she adds.

Partner with parents to create an action plan: “The child should know with mom, dad, teacher, whoever, this is what will happen to me when I bite. We’re all in it to resolve [the problem] and it’s always easier when we’re on the same side,” says Ryan.

Follow up: “It is important for us to think about this as a process—it might take a few more [meetings] for parents to see a concern,” says Pinkus-Resnik.

Resources for working with families

Parent Services Project offers a Stronger Together curriculum for developing strong relationships between teachers and parents, 415-454-1870, www.parentservices.org 

NAEYC, 800-424-2460, offers resources, including

• Communication Skills for Challenging Conversations training, www.naeyc.org/ecp/trainings
  
  
• From Parents to Partners: Building a Family-centered Early Childhood Program, by Janis Keyser, $30, www.naeyc.org/store/node/544
  
  

WestEd offers materials and training programs, 877-4-WestEd, www.wested.org