This article originally appeared in the November-December 2007 issue of the Children's Advocate, published by Action Alliance for Children.

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Finding the “win-win”

Nonviolent communication skills help kids—and adults—resolve conflicts in ways that work for everybody

By Eve Pearlman

I was a parent that hated my parenting skills,” says Cindy Santa Cruz Reed. Then she found the Nonviolence in the Lives of Children Project (see To Learn More).

In the project’s workshops and training programs, Reed says, “What I learned made me feel I could do things as a parent that I could feel good about.” Reed now works part-time for the Nevada County child welfare program and part-time in a program for teen moms and their babies. In both roles she teaches the skills of “nonviolent communication”—observing, listening, talking, and figuring out solutions together.

“A big piece of it is active listening,” Reed says, “but it (involves) looking at everything from the words you use to where they come from.”

Conflict as opportunity

When she was working at Ready Springs preschool and kids were fighting over a toy, for example, Reed says, “Instead of looking at it as, ‘Oh no! there’s a problem!’ we saw it as an opportunity for growth.”

The conflict resolution process begins by calming the children down so they can talk, says Sharon Davidsson, former director of the Stepping Stones preschool in Nevada City. Each child describes how he or she sees the problem and the teacher carefully restates it. “What happens then is the problem becomes their common ground, and now they’re working together to solve it,” Davidsson says (see Peaceful
problem-solving).

It’s important to realize that the children’s solution might not seem logical to the adults. Davidsson remembers two small girls who were arguing over a bowl and decided together to put the bowl up in a tree for the afternoon.

“I stuck it in the tree,” says Davidsson, “and all day they walked by the bowl and they were happy to see it in the tree.” Letting them come up with their own solutions is important: “When children solve a problem together they start feeling competent and have a can-do attitude toward all problems.”

Taking it home

One preschooler Reed remembers used to try to control her parents by screaming and stomping her feet. Reed began talking to the child about different ways to let her parents know what she wanted. One morning the mom reported that the night before, at bedtime, instead of the usual tantrum, her daughter had sat down at the table saying that bedtime was a problem and they needed to work on solutions.

“The child had some ideas about what she wanted to do and the mom had some ideas about what she needed her to do. Together they worked out (a plan) that they could do this first and that next,” says Reed, “in an order that worked for both of them.”

Helped our family

Laura Cummins’ two youngest children, Destiny, now seven, and Madison, four, attended Ready Springs preschool. “Our family had been broken up and the children were in foster care,” Cummins explains. “I grew up in a substance-abusing environment where I was beat into submission. And then I ended up doing all the things that I was afraid of as a child.”

The problem-solving methods the children learned in preschool “reached in to our family and helped us to communicate better and respect each other,” says Cummins. She remembers, for example, a time when Destiny was drawing and Madison took her markers.  Instead of starting a fight, Destiny first wrote in her journal about why she was upset and what she needed—a quiet space by herself to draw. “I could help,” says Cummins, “by encouraging Destiny to give Madison feedback about how she was feeling and helping Madison get set up on her own” with paper and markers somewhere else.

And, she adds “I give them the freedom to hold me accountable. If I’m not walking the talk, they can say ‘Hey mom!’”

Checking your biases

To make the process work for all kids, says Loretta Jones, executive director of the Los Angeles-based Healthy African American Families, adults need to be aware of their own biases and expectations. “In addition to listening, we all have to sit down and figure out how we feel in the conflict, even the teachers,” says Jones.

Being aware of mainstream culture’s biases can help teachers avoid them. For example, “the bias is that African-American children, particularly male children, are aggressive,” Jones points out. She gives an example from author Joy DeGruy Leary: “If the white child is running around and talking to everyone while her mother’s waiting in line at the bank, it’s cute. But if the black child does it, the child is uncontrollable.”

“Teachers need to listen carefully to all sides of the story,” she adds, “and find the win-win for each child."

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Peaceful problem-solving

Steps from the Nonviolence in the Lives of Children Project (Imagine a typical preschool playground dispute over a swing or tricycle)

1. Calm children. Acknowledge their feelings non-judgmentally. What they feel is just a fact—you don’t want them to feel shame or guilt.

2. When they’re calm, see if they’re able to express their feelings: “I feel sad when you pull the swing.”

3. Ask the children what is the problem: “I got here first!” “I want to be next to Sam!” Sometimes it takes a while to get to the heart of the matter.

4. Ask the children to express what they want or need.

5. Restate the problem clearly and without judgment. Ask the kids, “What can we do?” “Do you have an idea?”

6. Encourage the children to speak to each other, make suggestions, and come up with something they agree to try: “We’ll each take turns for five minutes.”

7. Reflect on it later with the children. Did it work? If not, why not?

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To Learn More

• The Nonviolence in the Lives of Children Project, an outgrowth of the California Association for the Education of Young Children, teaches nonviolent communication and conflict resolution. They offer:
  • a curriculum
  • workshops
  • training programs
  • a speakers’ bureau
  • a web site with links to resources for adults and children: www.nvpchildren.org/

• Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting offers classes for teachers and parents in the San Diego area and a web site in English and Spanish. 213-484-6676, www.cnvep.org/new/

• The Peace Resource Center of San Diego Children and Nonviolence Committee also offers workshops for teachers and parents, 619-263-9301 www.prcsd.org/children_nonviolence.htm

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Extra resources from the Children’s Advocate bulletin

• ABCs of Conflict Resolution, from Tolerance.org, discusses culturally responsive conflict resolution. Includes lesson plans for school-age children and resources.

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