This article originally appeared in the January-February 1998 Children's Advocate newsmagazine, published by Action Alliance for Children. Also see the accompanying stories, "Divorce Doesn't Go Away," "Divorcing Reality," and "My Life as a Game Piece."

Divorce from Other Viewpoints

By Claudia Miller

We asked four professionals who work closely with children in various communities to respond to Wallerstein's study on the basis of their experiences.

NANCY LIM-YEE is a clinical social worker at the Chinatown Child Development Center in San Francisco. She works with children under 14, mainly from Chinese American, Vietnamese, and Cambodian immigrant families.

ZAIDA RODRIGUEZ is the site manager of two primarily Latino child development programs in the San Francisco Unified School District. She also counsels families going through divorce through a program called Kids' Turn (see Children's Advocate, November 1996).

INTISAR SHAREEF is an early childhood education instructor at Contra Costa Community College and an expert on the impact of violence and trauma on children.

MARGUERITE WRIGHT is a psychologist with the Center for the Vulnerable Child at Children's Hospital in Oakland. She works primarily with African American children ages 8 to 10.

Are children today affected by the same issues that the children in Marin faced 25 years ago?

Rodriguez: Divorce is a major crisis for all children and they all have the same types of questions: What does this mean to me? Will my parents stop loving me? Will my parents leave me? Will I have to live in two different homes?

Lim-Yee and Wright made similar points but added that children in lower-income communities often suffer more financial hardship after divorce.

Shareef: Children whose parents divorced 25 years ago may have been the only child or one of only a few children whose parents were getting divorced. Today, there are a lot of children with single-parent families, so I don't think children react as strongly to the sense of loss.

Do friends or extended family help ease the pain of divorce?

Shareef: From my experience, children of single parents often develop connections with people away from the nuclear family because they have to rely on outside resources. As a consequence, the child is more flexible in relating to other adults. In general, I see the extended family as a strength. But it can be stressful for some children to interact with a variety of adults, especially if the adults have a lot of needs and put pressure on the child.

Wright: The families we see are all stressed out. Aunts and uncles who might have previously had time to care for the children now don't. Many grandparents are already taking care of their grandchildren. The family might come together to help, but it's my sense that the support is sporadic.

Lim-Yee: If there is an extended family, it's a plus. However, some recent immigrant families don't have that luxury.

Rodriguez: Sometimes there is family that says, "you can stay with us for a while" instead of ending up on the street, but it's often a network of friends and distant relatives. And for people already living in small quarters, to take in a mother and more children is really hard.

What can child care providers, community groups, family and friends do to help?

Shareef: Caregivers need to develop positive, consistent relationships with children over a period of time. With children in large groups, there's very little time for them to develop intimate relationships with an adult. We need caregivers who realize that when a child acts up, it's because of a legitimate need.

Rodriguez: Be good listeners and sensitive to the issue of divorce. Watch the child and often you'll know something is wrong even before the parents tell you. Find out about programs in your area and do referrals. If you have a child care site and see a need, consider starting a support group for children and their families. And remember, what a child tells you should be confidential [to maintain the child's trust].

Wright: You can never replace the family, especially a loving, nurturing family. But there are successful programs in the community, such as SIMBA (a nine-year-old Oakland-based program that enlists African American volunteer mentors to guide children over a 12-year period). These are the types of programs we need more of, because the children need ongoing, positive relationships with adults.

Lim-Yee: Our center provides consultations to preschool staff to make them more aware of how they can help. There are lots of really good children's books and some PBS children's shows that address these issues. And there are programs like Kids' Turn, which addresses self-esteem.

What kinds of policy and practice changes do you advocate?

Recommendations included:

Action Alliance for Children
e-mail aac@4children.org
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Oakland, CA 94612
(510) 444-7136