Spirited children can be passionate, curious, and the life of the party. They may also be disruptive, intense, and a “handful.” Parents and child care providers may find that their usual caregiving style doesn’t work with a child whose days are filled with tantrums and rebellions over everyday events.

Parents of spirited children often begin to realize their child is “different” when the child is between 18 months and three years old, says Helen Neville, a nurse at Oakland’s Kaiser Permanente. “Their child is pushing, hitting, or biting and they feel badly, about their child and themselves.” But there is help—parents and experts offer ways that adults can nurture and cope with spirited children, while helping them learn to control their behavior.

Work with the child’s temperament

“A big part (of parenting spirited children) is not pushing against them,” says Deborah Shafritz, about her spirited child, Leah. “(We) channeled her intensity, mainly through the arts...her intensity is what makes her a true artist. Athletic kids would find sports an outlet.”

When Linda Mulvany’s son, now 19, was a baby, “I wasn’t able to comfort him, which was just devastating,” she says. “The only thing that worked was to wear him (in a sling) on our bodies, which we did until he was three years old—to make life easier for all of us.”

“In my family, respect is a very big (part) of growing up,” says Beatriz Lopez, Spanish program coordinator for the Modesto Parent Resource Center. “Children are always encouraged to shake grownups’ hands. But my son was very shy,” and refused. “I had to learn to respect his comfort level.”

Take a problem-solving approach

“Maintain your sense of humor and patience,” advises Alice Shannon, a family therapist in McKin-leyville. For example, spirited children may want to share every detail of the day with you, talking loudly. Instead of putting up with the noise or constantly shushing the child, Shannon suggests saying, “‘My ears are tired right now. Why don’t you tell your story to your tape recorder or a pretend phone’ or ‘Go outside and be loud.’”

In child care, “a high-energy four-year-old is not likely to sit still for circle time,” says Shannon, but rocking on a horse in the corner might work—the provider can see the child, and other children won’t be distracted.

Make sure the child gets enough exercise, sleep, and a good diet

“Kids need so much running around time,” says Neville. Children can bounce on a mattress or play outdoors. “We bought a trampoline that worked wonders in our house,” recalls Mulvany. Parents can set up “different containers for art or exercise or blocks,” says Lisa Root, coordinator of Modesto Parent Resource Center’s Adult Parenting Program. “Most kids enjoy bouncing from one activity to the next.”

Children short on sleep are going to have more trouble keeping it together during the day, says Neville. If the child has a hard time napping, getting them to bed early may help. Mulvany says she organized her day around getting her son to sleep at 6 p.m. every night.

A child who doesn’t want to come in for snack may have a meltdown later in the day. “Often, I think kids are busy and don’t realize they’re hungry until it’s too late,” says Neville.

Shannon suggests saying, “I can tell you hate to stop playing, but...once you get inside, you really like snack time. Coming inside is hard but it’ll get easier when we start eating.” You could also ask them to help with snack time or offer choices about coming inside—“do you want to take off your jacket first or wash your hands first?” she adds.

If a child has a hard time stopping an activity, give them a warning first and then a couple minutes to finish up before it’s time to leave, adds Root.

Take time for yourself and other family members

“Once a week we took time alone,” says Mulvany, “because (our son) was so intense.” Shafritz got time away when her daughter started preschool. “She loved it and it gave me a break. If you have an active child who needs to do lots of different things, you can’t always do it at home,” she adds. Or you could ask an older child to come over and play with your child while you are in another room.

Siblings may feel left out if the spirited child gets more attention. “We always tried to find time with my other son,” says Mulvany. “It might just be a couple hours and include grocery shopping, but there was always something special for him.”

Find support—and support other parents

Shafritz recalls “at one playgroup, my daughter (was tired) and acting nasty with the other kids. One woman said to me, ‘My child has no problems sharing’ and another suggested Leah be tested for ADHD. It would have been so much easier if other parents had rallied around me and said, ‘We know you’re going through a rough time.’”

Shafritz also started a support group for parents of spirited children. “It was such a relief to find other people who could understand what I was going through,” she says. Check with your pediatrician or child care provider for a support group in your area. Shafritz also moderates an online bulletin board for parents of spirited kids (see resources).

Seek outside help, if necessary

If “you’re often feeling annoyed or frustrated” with the child, says Neville, talk with your pediatrician or ask your child care provider for community resources. And while people may think a spirited child has ADHD, that’s not necessarily true, says Kaiser Permanente nurse Rona Renner—it depends on “how much the child is struggling and how much the family is struggling.”

Resources

Books

• Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
• The Temperament Perspective by Jan Kristal
• The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki
• The Explosive Child by Ross Greene

Online

• Nurturing Our Spirited Children, www.nurturingourfamilies.com
• Parents’ Place, www.parentsplace.com
• Surveys on children’s temperament and parent tips are online at www.temperament.com and www.preventiveoz.org
• Center for the Improvement of Child Caring provides positive, culturally relevant parenting curricula. 800-325-CICC, www.ciccparenting.org

Radio shows on parenting (Bay Area)

• Childhood Matters, 9 a.m. Sundays on KISS 98.1 FM
• Nuestros Niños, in Spanish, 8 a.m. Sundays on KLOK 1170 AM