These suggestions originally appeared in the July-August 1997 Children's Advocate newsmagazine, published by Action Alliance for Children.

Working with Children Who Have Been Exposed to Domestic Violence

I. Create a Safe, Consistent Environment for Communication

With kids

• Pay attention: Be very observant and listen when children arrive in the morning. Get to know the children so you know when something is wrong.
• Be a good listener: Provide opportunities for the child to express his/her feelings. Acknowledge, don't minimize his/her feelings. Don't judge.
• Keep notes about a child to determine behavioral patterns and changes.

With parents

• Establish frequent contact with moms: Have staff available to chat when children are dropped off or picked up. Casual interaction builds trust. ("You look nice today," "Susie had a good day today," etc.).
• Create a safe environment for parents: If a parent feels safe and accepted, you are more likely to be able to discuss heavier subjects. Maintain an open-door policy so parents can approach you with concerns. Be a good listener; don't judge.
• Add a section about violence and safety issues to your intake form: Are you worried about your child's safety? Does your child see frightening things (on TV, on the streets, in the neighborhood, in the home)? Does your child try to intervene? Has your child ever been hurt/hit? [If the parent answers yes, you must report this to CPS]. Has your child had any behavioral changes (trouble sleeping, eating, regression)?
• Put up posters on domestic violence, including referral information.

II. Reach out When You Suspect Domestic Violence May Be Occurring

To kids

If the child tells you about a violent episode, ask follow-up questions. Let each child tell his/her story, but be aware that their perceptions may be distorted, depending on their age. Clarify their concerns. Value their input.

Questions to ask

• What did you see? (Were they forced to watch? Did they see evidence afterwards?)
• What did you hear? (threats, throwing of objects, etc.)
• What did you do? (flee, freeze, hide, get sick, etc.)
• How close to the violence were you?
• Were you scared?
• What did you want to happen? What did happen?

To parents

• Educate and inform the child's mother about the child's behavior. Start with positive comments. Then explain what is worrying you about the child's behavior. Ask for her insights on how best to help the child.
• If you suspect trouble at home, approach moms in a cautious manner. Try to understand their fears and reflect this in your approach: I'm worried about your safety. I'm here for you. Do you have a safety plan (somewhere you and/or child can go stay)? Do you have a restraining order? Does it include the child care site? What are your current concerns? Think of how you would like someone to raise this issue with you.
• Don't feel you have to solve the problem by yourself. Figure out who on staff may be best to talk to the child or mom. Role play among staff to work out the best way to approach the mom.
• Realize that it is not your place to tell a mother what to do. If she confides in you, you can offer assistance. If a mom refuses help, tread carefully: you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with the child.
• Don't blame yourself for what the mother does (including removing the child from child care after you raise the issue). Recognize that she may not be ready to address the violent situation and this is not your fault. But remember that later on, when she is ready, she may use the resources you have provided.
• Be a liaison with outside agencies, organizations, schools, etc. Refer the parent and child to appropriate resources.

III. Help Children and Parents Cope with Trauma and Learn Positive Coping and Social Skills

• Provide opportunities during the day for the child to work things out during play. Listen and validate the child's feelings.
• When children want to regress, let them (for example, using bottles or pacifiers or needing to be held).
• Use role-playing, puppets, art therapy, books, water play, etc. to encourage children to share their experiences.
• Assure children that they are not to blame for adult violence.
• Teach children to call 911.
• Ask children what would help to make them feel better.
• Help increase a child's self esteem: give lots of hugs and nurturing.
• Try to eliminate gender roles (i.e. encourage boys to play house, girls to do active play).
• Allow children to have alone time; let them know that they don't always have to share.
• Model caring behaviors for parents.
• Take care of yourself. Take time to play Nintendo, cry, take a vacation, stop and sit down, be busy with other things, write in a journal, exercise, talk to friends.

–Fran Biderman

Thanks to our trainers and training participants for this information. Trainers: Nancy Compton, Marjorie Cusick, Mary Claire Heffron, Nora Infante, Alicia Lieberman, Julie Murphy, Michelle Osborne, Intisar Shareef, Joan Suflita, German Walteros.

What do YOU think? Give us your feedback.