This article originally appeared in the September-October 2003 issue of the Children's Advocate, published by Action Alliance for Children.

Fathers "fully involved as parents"

What are the obstacles and how can men overcome them?

By Irene Moore

Each time Martin Romo reads a story to his 10-year-old daughter, Ruby-Marie, he values the bond he has built with her. When he unexpectedly became a dad and husband at 15, Romo could not imagine a close father-daughter relationship. But he wanted to give his daughter what he never had: a nurturing father who does more than pay bills and dish out discipline.

"Many of us grow up believing we have only three roles: provider, protector, and disciplinarian. We can't express ourselves with our children because we're fitting into these roles," says Alejandro Moreno, director of the National Compadres Network in Los Angeles. Says Oakland author and activist Paul Kivel, "We need to build a community expectation that men are going to be fully involved as parents."

Men as nurturers: The challenges

The provider role

"Dads see their primary role as the provider. They'll work one, two, three jobs for that," says Hector Castro, fatherhood involvement coordinator for Monterey County Head Start, who sees many dads working overtime in the fields. Long working hours mean less time and energy for children.

Employers may be more willing to arrange flexible working hours with mothers than with fathers. And "fathers often think that providing money for the kids' diapers means they don't have to spend time with them," says Rodrigo Contreras, a parent counselor at the National Latino Fatherhood and Family Institute in L.A. For fathers as providers, "low-paying jobs make us feel we don't have respect, that we can't be role models for our kids," says Kivel. He notes that the job picture is worse for men of color because of racial discrimination.

The authority figure

"I grew up, like most men, with the expectation that we're the ones who have to be in control and are responsible for the performance of our kids," says Kivel. Castro agrees: "In the Latino household, the dad is the authoritarian figure, the one giving orders." Kivel recalls angry, tearful battles with his kids when he tried to be a "homework cop." He acknowledges that the parent does have to "work it out with the kid so they do the homework," but says "discussion, negotiation, agreement" lead to a more positive relationship.

The "tough guy"

Los Angeles father Juan Muniz felt discouraged because his son, Juan Jr., did not want to join him in activities like watching TV or taking a walk. His wife eventually told him that Juan Jr. didn't like Muniz's habit of poking his son with his elbow.

Mom's role

"Moms feel they're the nurturing ones," says Castro. Sometimes "dads who want to change diapers are discouraged by mothers." Other mothers try in vain to enlist fathers' help - many men have been raised to believe it's unmanly to provide physical care to young children.

Living separately

When Romo's daughter was two years old, he and his wife divorced. "Ruby-Marie's mother didn't let me spend much time alone with my daughter, and that was tough," he says.

Michael Williams, a San Francisco divorced father, has to drive two hours to see his son, who lives in Sacramento. "The distance makes it much more difficult to fully participate in his school, sports, and social events," says Williams.

Breaking through barriers

Remember your own childhood

Men can learn from their own experiences with their fathers' behavior. After Muniz's wife told him about the elbow poke, he visited his father and noticed that his father did it to him - and it was hurtful and annoying. After that he stopped poking Juan Jr. with his elbow. "'I don't want to be antiquated like my father'' is a common concern expressed among the fathers we work with," says Moreno.

Focus on strengths

Oakland dad John Bowers has a nine-year-old son who's developmentally delayed. But, he says, "Every child has strengths," and emphasizing the strengths is key to a nurturing relationship. "Sam is an outdoor enthusiast," Bowers says. "He loves ice skating, swimming, gymnastics. These are things we enjoy doing together."

Keep a positive relationship with the mother

If a father says, "'listen to your mother,' children will grow up respecting the words of both parents," says Moreno.

Romo worked hard to develop a cooperative relationship with Ruby-Marie's mother. When she remarried, Romo realized Ruby-Marie also needed to get along with her stepfather. "My daughter likes him so I want to work with him. We discuss anything from problems in school to health issues and come to an agreement."

Learn from moms

Make some sacrifices, as mothers do, says Kivel, like getting up at night with a crying baby. Moms should also teach dads how to be more engaged in the daily work of changing diapers and holding the baby, asserts Castro: "If they can't do these things, many dads feel discouraged and go back to their usual roles."

Spend time together

Castro emphasizes the "small moments" that can strengthen the bond - activities like flying a kite, going for a walk, or reading together. Even fathers who work long hours in the fields can "take a few minutes to hug or kiss your kid, ask them about their day," he says. Fathers living separately can still spend time with their kids. "There is always time to visit my son," says Williams, "because I have made it a priority."

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Supporting fathers

Communities can:

Provide more free recreational activities. "Without free activities," says Kivel, "families fall back on consumer activities, like TV and video games, which are less connecting." In addition, he says, "There should be more social support groups available for parents."

Employers can:

Provide more paid family leave and flexible hours. "Some smart companies are giving 'personal days' This way parents do not have to use 'sick days' to tend to their children," says Moreno. In addition, "companies could give fathers time off to attend their kid's first day of school and parent/teacher conferences."

Government can:

Provide more public support for child care and paid family leave, says Kivel. Pass "living wage" laws and other anti-poverty measures, so parents don't have to work so many hours. "If you're working all the time, the quality of parenting goes down," Kivel says. He notes that in Europe, where there is more paid family leave, more men spend time with their kids and there is "less social pathology."

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Contact:

• National Latino Fatherhood and Family Institute, 323-728-7770, www.nlffi.org
• Bay Area Male Involvement Network, Stan Seiderman, 415-454-1870

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